Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones

https://youtu.be/sa1iS1MqUy4?si=rpiUCfu_61UsgHXU

I have listened to this free style poem as a Ted Talk by Shane Koyczan at least 3 times so far since Monday.  My heart lurches out of my chest as I remember feeling lost, unaccepted and afraid as a child.  His words reach out and tug at my soul and I cry out inside "I hear you".  Sticks and Stones may break our bones but, YES words do hurt tremendously.  

I remember being called names and ridiculed, day after day after day....and I was told "Kids will be Kids" and "You just need to get over it".   My 4th grade year just seemed to be a groundhog day of repetitive shaming and ridicule.  And STILL to this day some adults have said "Haven't you ever gotten over that?".   

The school was a twilight zone in which it was...

• normal that kids were cruel, and being nice just got you hurt
• normal that kids called you names, some so cruel, and vial that I didn't even understand their meaning
• normal to be followed and beaten on the playground 
  

It wasn't safe in the classroom, unless I put my visual blinders on to the world and just stared out the middle of my eyeballs at the blackboard.  It wasn't safe to be on the playground, unless I stood by the lunch monitor or hid in a window well so that nobody could find me and peg me with a ball or their fists.  Balls and fists hurt but, the names hurt worse...

"worthless......ugly...….stupid...….slut...….whore......useless......disgusting...…" -"You are not wanted here you should just go home and kill yourself" as it stated in a note handed to me one day.  -Signed Sincerely, all of your class members (literally a note signed by EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY CLASSMATES).  

I lay in bed at night hoping to die at age 9 and begging God to save me from this pain that I bottled up inside. This was my secret for a year and a half. I was too ashamed to bring it to my parents and too afraid to tell the school again because no one believed me the first time- the second time- or the third time. I wondered what it would feel like to be in Heaven where there was no pain, no lies, and no shame?  At that point I had a decision to make, leave this life or keep pushing onward and graduate from the class that Shane calls "the class of we made it".  

This my friends, is why I am so angry when adults and kids alike excuse mean behavior for simple razzing kids like it's not a big deal.  Or kids who report bullying are dismissed by others as  "too sensitive" or " they are just being a drama queen".  Or even worse, adults and other kids victim blame and explain away poor treatment as opportunities for kids to build their character by standing up for themselves and growing through the pain.  REALLY?!

You want to know why our children suffer?  Because it is normal for kids to attack other kids for being themselves.  Because it is normal for the Internet to be the playground with no monitors so even our own homes are no longer safe. 

Tweets....posts.....dislikes.....chats.....all become sticks and stones that reach further and farther  then I could have ever imagined as a 4th grader in the 80's. There are no window wells to hide in anymore with the world wide web, Instagram, snap chat, TikTok, and Facebook.  Now the bullies have a far reaching social media audience to help multiply their abusive rants and destroy other young peoples lives.  Leaving our children NO WHERE TO TURN. 

As a parent- I try to be aware of the world that my son walks in and out of everyday when I am not there and even when I am.  But reality sets in - I cannot protect him from everyone.  How does my child learn to figure out his dreams and aspirations? How does he find happiness when life is sometimes hard?  How does my son become who he wants to be without sacrificing his dreams, in order to fit into the cliques of school?  How do we teach our children, young and old, to be kind in a world where hatred and intolerance is put on stage for all to see and stories of love and compassion are sometimes just a late night TV show for just a few to watch?  

We need to have the hard emotional conversations

We must NOT make excuses for mean behavior

We must correct poor behavior

We need to model love, compassion and kindness to others AS MUCH AS WE CAN

We should never tolerate bullying behavior and ...

When it is our kids who are not kind - we address it with them and make them take responsibility AND apologize.  

Listen to Shane Koyczan's words...…..hear what he is saying...……

"They asked me what I wanted to be then told me what NOT to be"

 "I was told to accept the identity that others gave me"

"To this day, kids are still being called names like the classics, hey stupid, fatty, spazz.  It seems like every school has an arsenal of names getting updated every year".   

What if we made it normal for all of our children to say something nice to at least two people a day?   What ripple effect would that have?  Who knows, the twilight zone I knew may change into a place where encouraging others is normal, where lifting others up happens all day long, where saying to others "you belong and you matter" is an everyday greeting.   

I wish...….I can always dream.   But for now I will love my son, teach him to love others as best he can and I will remind him to "(Love himself) despite the ease with which (he sometimes) leans towards the opposite." 

What vulnerable strength this Shane Koyczan has and I am grateful to have come across his story.